We have all heard about ‘helicopter’ parents. The ones who constantly hover, directing every action and taking care of every detail so that their children do not have to make any decisions for themselves or face anything that may be unpleasant. The unfortunate result of this type of parenting is a teen or young adult who feels entitled, but is actually lacking in self-confidence and entirely at a loss when confronted with the challenges he or she is going to face in the real world.
It is important that you support and guide your children, however, it is also important to provide them with the freedom to try things on their own and to occasionally fail at them. This is the only way that they will learn to become adaptable, problem-solving, and resilient adults.
Many children succeed independently whilst being in a supportive family setting. Other children – because of behavioural or developmental concerns – may need more assistance from external individuals. Either way, providing children with the opportunities to gain the skills and the confidence to go out into the world is the best gift you can give to them as a parent.
This article will discuss the basic skills which your children need in order to become fully fledged independent adults:
1. Interpersonal Skills
Learning hard facts is important, but developing interpersonal skills is just as important. Starting with things which are, seemingly, simple and common such as good manners to the more subtle concepts like empathy and compassion. Knowing how to get along with other people is key in every environment where there are other people.
Participating in their school, the workplace, and the greater community all require knowing how to co-operate and collaborate, how to compromise, and how to communicate clearly and respectfully. You want your child to be confident when meeting new people and to be able to maintain healthy relationships over time.
Some children seem to be born with a natural gift for it and others need some coaching either in a subtle or direct manner. It is always ideal if children have role models whom they can look-up to, and the best example would be you as their parent or guardian.
Tip from TutorBox: Teach your child how to greet others and how to ask others how they are, what they have planned for the day etc. In doing this, it will also foster a genuine interest in others and their well-being.
2. Handling Problems
You are not going to be around and available every time your child may run into a difficult situation that requires quick thinking and focused problem-solving. Even if you were, it does not do them any good for you to leave them out of the problem-solving process.
It is not enough that they will know how to phone you when troubles strike. Children need to know how to keep a cool and calm head instead of running in all directions when something unexpected happens. They need to know what to do if something breaks, does not work or if something does not go as they have planned. They need to know how to behave and how speak to a variation of adults, for example those who are in the law enforcement or medical setting.
Children who are old enough to drive need to know what to do if they have any problems whilst on the road. Most importantly, they need to know that every problem is not an absolute emergency, every emergency is not a major crisis, and there are ways to work through things that happen.
Tip from TutorBox: Have a discussion with your child about handling different scenarios and make sure that they know what to do if something unexpected does happen. For example, teach them how to change a tyre before they start driving independently.
3. Time Management
Even the youngest children have schedules that are hard to keep track of and as they get older it becomes worse. Children often have so much on their plates that both the parents and child are in a continuous juggling act.
Now is the time to teach and set good habits so that they are not doing three things all at once, putting off homework until the last minute, and leaving chaos in their path.
Time needs organising just like everything else. While some people are great at multi-tasking, some need a little more assistance. If there is a choice that has to be made, children need to know how to prioritise and make logical decisions about how they spend their time.
Tip from TutorBox: Allow your child to fill in their own calendar on a weekly basis so that they can learn this skill and form a good habit from a young age.
4. Money Management & Skills
Children often think that money grows on trees. They need to learn the basics of budgeting, the importance of saving, and the value of a Rand.
They should know:
How a credit card works.
How to pay a bill.
How to open/create a bank account.
What it means to spend more than you have.
Tip from TutorBox: If you do give pocket money to your children, have 2 jars, piggy banks or download the ‘Piggy Bank – Saving Money’ app on your phone via your Play or Apple Store. The jars and physical piggy banks can be used to differentiate savings and spending. Should you be using this method take your children regularly to the bank to deposit the money they have saved. Alternatively, making use of the app will also teach them how to manage their pocket money as well as their savings.
5. Practical Life Skills
These skills will be extremely important when your children are at an age where they can be independent and when they are ready to leave home, there are some practical things that all children should be able to do:
Shop for groceries.
Prepare a simple meal.
Change the sheets on their bed.
Do a load of laundry from start to finish.
Do basic household cleaning.
Change a lightbulb.
Use a screwdriver and a hammer.
Tip from TutorBox: When you do the shopping take your children with you. When you are cooking, give them duties to do in the kitchen. Basically, involve your child in your duties around the house and they should pick up on these practical skills on no time.
6. Emotion Identification, Reaction & Management
Young children deal with many of the same emotions that adults do. Children feel angry, sad, frustrated, nervous, happy, or embarrassed, but they often do not have the words to talk about how they are feeling.
Instead, they may act out these emotions in very physical and inappropriate ways.
Parents can help their children understand and express their emotions in a safe environment. The following strategies are some of the ways you can help your child express his or her feelings:
Help your children understand their emotions by first giving the feelings names and then encouraging them to talk about how they are feeling. For example, you might say to your child, “Daddy left on a trip, you are sad. You said you want your Daddy.” In doing so, your child starts to learn how to label his or her emotions, you enable your child to develop a vocabulary for talking about feelings.
Teach your children the different ways that they can respond to specific feelings, conflicts, or problems. Talk about your own feelings with your children. “Remember yesterday when the water in the bathtub would not go down the drain? Mommy got so angry and do you remember what my face looked like when I got angry? Can you make an angry face like Mommy’s?” Talk with your children about different ways you deal with specific feelings. “When I get angry, I take a deep breath, count to three, and then try to think of the best way to deal with my problem with a calmer mind.”
Teach your child to identify and express their emotions in ways that your family and friends find acceptable. For example, you might tell your child “Sometimes Grandfather is angry when things do not go well at work. What does he do? He sits in his garden until he figures out what he wants to say about it. You should sit and think when you get angry.”
Explain the feeling by using words your child can easily understand. Try to use pictures, books, or videos to help get your point across. “Look at Little Red Riding Hood’s face; she is so scared when she sees the wolf in her Grandma’s bed!”
Teach your child the different ways we can deal with feelings. Let your child come up with ways he or she can deal with her feelings. Talk about positive and not so positive ways to express feelings.
Use real-life examples or teach in the moment. For example, “You are having a difficult time putting your bike back in the garage. You look frustrated. What can you do? I think you could ask for help or take a deep breath and try again from a different angle. What do you want to do?
Yesterday, you were angry because Johnny would not let you play with his truck. You were so mad that you hit him. When you feel angry that Joey will not let you have a turn, what should you do?”
You can also make use of children’s books to talk about their feelings. For example, ask your child when reading a book, “What is (character in book) feeling right now? How do you know? Have you ever felt that way? What do you do when you feel that way?”
In teaching your children how to become aware of their emotions and how they can react to them in a positive and healthy manner, it will equip them with the skills that they will need when they are adults.
Tip from TutorBox: Make an emotion book with your child. All you need is paper, crayons or markers, and a stapler. You can make a book about one emotion and have your child fill in the pages with things that make him or her feel that way. For example, a “Happy Book”.
Start implementing these tips in your household as soon as you possibly can. In the moment, your younger children may not be very pleased with you, however they will be very grateful in the future.
“Tell me and I Forget. Teach me and I Remember. Involve me and I Learn.”
