Parenting is fulfilling, yet frustrating at times. It can bring out the best and the worst in a person. It seems as if parents do everything possible, from trying various parenting hacks to attending positive parenting workshops, to raise their children well.
In the end, everything boils down to the kind of relationship a parent shares with the child – the better the relationship, the better the upbringing can be.
So, how can you create and strengthen your parent-child relationship?
Understanding the Parent-Child Relationships
A parent-child relationship (PCR) is one that nurtures the physical, emotional and social development of the child. It is a unique bond that every child and parent experience, enjoy and nurture.
The relationship between parent and child lays the foundation for the child’s personality, choices and overall behaviour and attitude towards his/her external environment. Studies suggest that a healthy parent-child relationship leads to positive outcomes for both the children and the family as a whole.
In this article, we will specifically focus on John Bowlby’s (1944) Attachment Theory and how this relates to the parent-child relationship.
According to Bowlby’s (1944) theory, there are four different attachment styles in children:
1. Secure Attachment is when children feel they can rely on their parents/caregivers to attend to their needs of proximity, emotional support and protection. It is considered to be the best and most adaptive attachment style. A child who is securely attached to his/her parents/caregivers will explore freely while the parents/caregivers are present. They will also typically engage with strangers and they are often visibly upset when the caregiver departs but they will be generally happy to see the parents/caregivers return.
2. Anxious-Ambivalent Attachment is when the child feels separation anxiety when separated from the parents/caregivers and does not feel reassured when the parents/caregivers returns to him/her. A child with an anxious-ambivalent pattern of attachment may tend to explore less in an unfamiliar environment and is often wary of strangers, even when the parent/caregiver is present. When the mother or father departs, the child is often highly distressed. On their return, the child is generally ambivalent.
3. Anxious-Avoidant Attachment is when the child avoids their parents by showing little emotion when a parent/caregiver departs or returns. The child will not explore very much regardless of who may be in the environment.
4. Disorganised Attachment is when there is a lack of attachment behaviour whatsoever. Children who are placed in care or a home, especially more than once, often have intrusions. According to the videos of the ‘Strange Situation Procedure’ (Crittenden & Landini, 2011) it occurs when a rejected/neglected child approaches a stranger for comfort, then loses muscular control and falls on the floor. This may occur due to their feelings of overwhelming fear of the unknown, potentially dangerous situation or strange person.
Why it is so important to foster a positive Parent-Child relationship?
Essentially, loving and caring parents create loving and caring children. Your relationship with your children and how attached you are to them and vice versa indicates how the child is going to act and react in the future. It also affects the strength of their social, physical, mental and emotional health.
Here are a couple outcomes which result from a positive Parent-Child relationship/Secure attachment:
- Young children who grow up with a secure and healthy attachment to their parents have a better chance of developing happy and content relationships with others in their life.
- A child who has a secure relationship with their parent/s, learns to regulate their emotions under stressful and difficult situations.
- A positive Parent-Child relationship can assist in promoting the child’s mental, linguistic and emotional development.
- This type of relationship and attachment style may assist the child to exhibit more optimistic and confident social behaviours.
- Healthy parent involvement and intervention, in the child’s day-to-day life, lay the foundation for better social and academic skills as it can assist in creating discipline, independent thinking as well as problem-solving problem skills.
- A secure attachment may lead to an, all-round, healthy social, emotional, cognitive and motivational development.
Activities that may assist in building a positive Parent-Child relationship:
Forming a connection with your child is the root of a secure attachment and positive relationship. When the connection is in place, your children will tend to follow the rules voluntarily. One way to strengthen your bond with your children is to incorporate and teach positive interactions in your daily routine. Here is how you can do that:
1. Hug your child everyday: Children feel safe and secure when they have their parent’s comforting physical touch. The experience of early interpersonal touch is linked to higher self-esteem, life satisfaction and social competence in the child’s future development. It also positively affects the child’s physical and psychological development.
Hug your children when they wake up in the morning and before they go to sleep at night and as many times you can during the day. Rub their shoulders, maintain eye contact, and pat their backs to show them you care.
Older children might not like the physical touch or may feel embarrassed when you hug them in front of their peers. Do not force it on them, instead, you can try and be subtle and make them understand that hugging to show affection and love is not a bad thing. You could also try alternative methods to maintain the bond, for example, watching a show together or going shopping together.
2. Play with them: Go back to your childhood when you are playing with your children. This allows them to cooperate and play together with you. Indulge in activities such as building Lego models or pretend-play if it is age-appropriate. If they are older, pair up for video games or a game of tennis/cricket.
3. Laugh together: Being a parent does not mean that it ALWAYS has to be serious stuff. Sharing a few ‘lighter’ moments may assist in building some great memories. Joke around and be silly with your children! You may even end up enjoying it more than them!
4. Have one-on-one interaction: It is important to take time out from your daily schedule to interact with your children and talk to them. Have some parent-child time every day to express your love for them, play with them, and do something together. Often it is difficult (near impossible) to find time during the day to interact with your children, so make use of the evenings or incorporate it in your bedtime routine to interact with them.
5. Small gestures: Small gestures such as brushing your child’s hair may assist in developing and nurturing the bond. Usually, teens or preteens do not like physical touch, however younger children often enjoy this. For the older children, you can incorporate non-physical gestures, such as sending through a kind or motivational text message.
We all know that it is a fact that parenting is not easy, however, it is up to you as the mature and responsible adult, to create a healthy and loving bond with your child.
If you think that you are experiencing severe problems with your child/children, it is always advisable to consult a professional to help your child/children and yourself.
Please feel free to contact TutorBox for a referral contact on 011 450 4528 should you require professional assistance.
