We tend to see childhood as a carefree time, while this is true, there are the inevitable emotional hurts and traumas many children can face. Children can be asked to deal with various problems ranging from adapting to a new classroom to being bullied by peers. In addition to this, the uncertainties that are part of growing up can make childhood quite scary and stressful. However, children can acquire the ability to thrive despite these uncertainties and challenges as they are able to learn skills of resilience.
Resilience is being able to bounce back after experiencing stress and adversity. When children are resilient, they are braver, more curious, more adaptable and have the ability to extend their reach into their society.
The great news is that resilience is something that can be nurtured in all children.
How does resilience effect behaviour?
Children will have different levels of resilience and different ways of responding to and recovering from stressful events. They will also have different ways of showing when the demands that are being put on them outweigh their capacity to cope. They might become emotional, they may withdraw themselves, or they might become defiant, angry or resentful. However, even the most resilient of people have days where it all gets too much, but low resilience will likely drive certain patterns of unhealthy behaviour more often.
Can resilience be changed?
Absolutely! Resilience can be changed. Resilience is not determined only by genetics, it can be strengthened at any age. One of the most exciting findings in the last decade or so is that we can
change the ‘wiring’ of the brain through the experiences we expose it to. The right experiences can shape the unique, intrinsic characteristics of a child in a way that will build their resilience.
How to build resilient children?
Building children into healthy, thriving individuals is not about eliminating adversity from their lives. Of course, if we could scoop them up and lift them over the things that would cause them to stumble, that would be a wonderful thing, but it would not necessarily be doing them any favours. A little bit of stress will help them to develop the skills they need to cope effectively.
1. Resilience needs relationships, not uncompromising independence.
Research tells us that it is not self-reliance, determination or inner strength that leads children through adversity, but the reliable presence of at least one supportive relationship/adult. In the context of a loving relationship with a caring adult, children have the opportunity to develop vital coping skills.
The presence of a responsive adult can also help to reverse the physiological changes that are activated by stress. This will also ensure that the developing brain, body and immune system are protected from the damaging effects of these physiological changes. Anyone in the life of a child can make a difference – family, teachers, therapists – anyone.
2. Increase their exposure to people who care about them.
In addition to the above, social support is associated with increased experiences of positive emotions, a sense of personal control and predictability, increased self-esteem, motivation, optimism and resilience. Kids will not always notice the people who are in their corner cheering them on, so when you can, let them know about these people. Anything you can do to build their connection with the people who love them will strengthen them.
3. Let them know that it is okay to ask for help.
Children will often have the idea that being ‘brave’ is about dealing with things by themselves. Let them know that being brave and strong means knowing when to ask for help. If there are things that they can do themselves, guide them towards that but resist carrying them there.
4. Build their executive functioning.
Strengthening their executive functioning will strengthen the prefrontal cortex (which plays a vital part in building resilience).
This will help them manage their own behaviour, feelings and increase their capacity to develop healthy coping strategies.
Some powerful ways to build their executive functioning are:
- Establishing set routines
- Demonstrating healthy social behaviour
- Creating and maintaining supportive reliable relationships around them
- Providing opportunities for their own social connections
- Creative play
- Board games (good for impulse control (taking turns), planning, working memory and mental flexibility (the ability to shift thoughts to an alternative, better pattern of thought if the situation requires)
- Games that involve memory (e.g. the shopping game – ‘I went shopping and I bought a [puppy]’; the next person says, ‘I went shopping and I bought a [puppy and a bike]’; next person … ‘I went shopping and I bought [a puppy, a bike and a hot air balloon] – the winner is the last one standing who does not forget something on the ‘shopping list’)
- Exercise
- Giving them opportunities to think and act independently (if they disagree with you and tell you why you are wrong, there is a plus side – their executive functioning is developing!)
- Providing opportunities for them to make their own decisions
5. Encourage a regular mindfulness practice.
Mindfulness creates structural and functional changes in the brain that can assist in supporting a healthy response to stress. It strengthens the calming, rational prefrontal cortex and reduces activity in the instinctive, impulsive amygdala (neurons responsible for emotions). It also strengthens the connections between the prefrontal cortex and the amygdala. When this connection is strong, the calming prefrontal cortex will have more of an impact on overall decisions and behaviour, especially those which elicit increased stress.
Here are some fun ways to incorporate mindfulness for children:
- Mindful breathing such as 'Thought clouds' (As you breathe in, imagine that your thoughts are forming as little clouds above your head. Imagine the cloud floating away as you breathe out. Keep breathing slow, strong breaths and let your thoughts come, and then go.)
- Keeping a mindful jar (Start with a jar and fill it, almost to the top, with water. Into the water, add a few big dollops of glitter glue – wood glue and dry glitter mixed together. Put the lid back on and shake the jar.) Together with this activity, here are some words you can say along with it:
“Imagine that the glitter is like your thoughts when you are stressed or upset. See how they whirl around and make it really difficult to see clearly? That is why it is so easy to make silly decisions when you are upset – because you are not thinking clearly/cannot ‘see’ clearly. Do not worry! This is normal and it happens to everyone. [Now put the jar down in front of them.] Now watch what happens when you are ‘still’ for a couple of moments. Keep watching. See how the glitter starts to settle and the water clears? Your mind works the same way. When you are calm for a little while, your thoughts start to settle and you start to see things much clearer.”
6. Exercise
Exercise strengthens the brain to make it more resilient to stress. One of the ways it does this is by increasing the neurochemicals that can calm the brain in times of stress. Anything that gets children moving is vital, but of course, if you can make it fun, it makes it easier for you as the parent. Here are some ideas, but get your children to think of ideas as well (independent thinking) and they will have plenty of their own:
- Throw a frisbee
- Kick a ball
- Dance around
- Walk the dog
7. Nurture optimism
Optimism has been found to be one of the key characteristics of resilient people. The brain can be rewired to be more optimistic through the experiences it is exposed to. If you have a child who tends to look at the glass as being half empty, show them a different view. This does not mean invalidating how they feel, but rather acknowledging their view of the world, and introducing them to a different one.
8. Teach them how to reframe
The ability to reframe challenges in ways that feel less threatening is linked to resilience. Reframing is such a valuable skill to have for both children and adults. In times of difficulty or disappointment, it will help them to focus on what they have and what they have learnt, rather than what they have lost or do not have. To build this skill, acknowledge their disappointment, then gently steer their attention away from looking at what the problem has cost them and steer them towards the opportunities it might have brought them.
9. Model resiliency
Imitation is such a powerful way to learn. The children in your life will want to be just like you or their older siblings, and they will be watching everything. Without overwhelming and traumatising them, let them see how you deal with disappointment. Bringing them into your emotional world at appropriate times will help them to see that sadness, uncertainty, disappointment etc. are all very normal human experiences. When experiences are normalised, there will be a sense of safety and security that will open the way for them to explore what those experiences mean for them and experiment with ways to respond.
10. Facing fear - but with support
Facing fear can be empowering (within the limits of self-preservation of course – staying alive is important) but to do this, they need the right support – as we all do. Children can be fairly black and white about things, so when they are faced with something difficult, there are only two choices for them – face it head on or avoid it at all costs. However, there is a third option, and that is to move gradually towards it, while feeling supported and with a certain amount of control.
11. Do not rush to their rescue
It is in the precious space between falling and standing back up again that we learn how to find our feet. Of course, sometimes scooping them up and giving them a steady place to be is exactly what they need to find the strength to move forward.
The main thing is not to do it every time. Exposure to stressors and challenges, that they can manage during childhood, may help to ensure that they will be capable to deal with stress during adulthood.
There is evidence that these early experiences have a positive impact on the prefrontal cortex (the ‘calm down, you have got this’ part of the brain). It will protect against the negative effects of future stressors. Think of it like immunisation – a small dose of the pathogen, whether it is a virus or something stressful, helps to build up resistance or protect against the more severe version.
12. Build their problem-solving 'toolbox'
Self-talk is such an important part of problem-solving. Your words are powerful because they are the foundation on which your children build their own self-talk. Rather than solving your child’s problems for them, start to give them the language to solve their own. For example:
- What would [someone who they see as capable e.g. their older sibling] do?
- What has worked before?
- How can we break this big problem into little pieces?
- How can we resolve this together?
Problem-solving is also a creative process. Anything that may strengthen their problem-solving skills will nurture their resilience. Children are naturally curious, inquisitive and creative. Give them the space and the time to play and get creative.
13. Let them know that they are loved unconditionally – obviously.
This point goes without saying, however this will provide them the solid foundation to come back to when the world gets a bit too shaky and stressful.
“Develop success from failures. Discouragement and failure are two of the surest steppingstones to success.” _ Dale Carnegie